Back to School - Sending off the college-bound

The initial child-parent separation starts before the car is even packed. Often, soon-to-be college students feel the need to distance themselves from home early on to ready for the real thing; the glimpse of independence makes the collar seem cinched even tighter. As Dean of Student Affairs at Skidmore College, Pat Oles explains, parents are often very close to their children, and as a result, have a sense of their vulnerability. If their child is extremely social, parents will worry the student will put off work to hang out with friends. If the child is intensely studious, parents have the very opposite fear.

As college admittance is becoming more and more competitive, the college-bound student represents a substantial parental investment: piano lessons, SAT prep-courses and tutors. He or she is symbolic of intense parental pride, which perhaps increases the parental concern for failure. But parents should, as Oles advises, “express confidence in their child’s capacity… and do nothing that the student can do for themselves.” ‘Helicopter parents’ hovering over their children would do better to give their unfettered sons and daughters room to take flight.

Upon arriving on campus, the first order of business is meeting neighbors and forging friendships. Colleges usually offer pre-orientation programs ranging from white-water rafting to building houses with Habitat for Humanity, programs centered on diversity awareness and music to leadership training and visual art. These programs provide a venue for building rapports even before school is in session. When the rest of the first-year students arrive, bewildered and knowing no one, pre-orientation participants already have an initial pose to eat with, to sit with in lecture and call when the weekend hits.

Even if students opt not to sign up for a pre-orientation program, there are plenty of opportunities to make friends. Keep in mind that everyone else is also on the hunt for a buddy, so especially during the first weeks, levels of amiableness and approachability are soaring.

College life demands rapid adjustment. Some have never experienced sharing a room and are uneasy at the prospect of parleying living terms and settling disputes. Oftentimes, students feel disoriented by demographic and geographic shifts and by unfamiliar weather. It helps to be aware of these possibly disconcerting transitions one can expect during the first year.

To succeed in academia, time management is an essential skill. Trinity College’s Parent Handbook cautions, “Often the students for whom success in high school came easily have the greatest difficulties adjusting to college life, for they do not think that typical pitfalls apply to them... Some students take courses in areas well covered in high school only to learn that the standards, pace, degree of difficulty, structure and even content and methods of evaluation in a college course are considerably different. Many do not realize that most students in their college courses were, like them, in the top of their graduating classes and that academic expectations have risen accordingly.” As most college courses do not meet every day, the work load is designed to be completed over several days, if not weeks. By pushing off assignments until the night before, students will find themselves overwhelmed, panicky and most likely unprepared for the next day.

“Give your child space to work things out independently. Ask what would be most helpful, and respect the need for autonomy,” the Handbook recommends. “If your child is working hard but is discouraged by low grades, ask: Has your student spoken with a professor, faculty adviser, or first-year mentor, or one of the deans or program directors about strategies to study more effectively?”

Time management is crucial not only in planning academic assignments, but also balancing studying with socializing. Joining student organizations can be a great way to extend your social network, but students should be weary of overzealously spreading themselves thin.

College is a thrilling time in a student’s life, full of thought-provoking experiences, academic challenges, personal adventures and memories made with friends. It was a time in which I came to truly know myself, and developed into the person I wanted to be. The beginning steps can be tentative and tremulous, but the student who crosses the stage on graduation day takes confident strides. On drop-off day, Oles says, “tell your child you love them and will miss them. Cry a little.” And then watch them head off into their future.