Parenting - Love begins at home

Our house was familiar and comfy; I knew its quirks, I knew its crannies, I knew it was mine, as much as it was everyone else’s. And that sense of one’s actual house being a beloved place, comforting in its familiarity and its memories of a happy childhood, is something I’ve always wanted for my children.

So when I see the boys comfortable in our home — Thomas absentmindedly hanging on the refrigerator door as he contemplates what word he’s going to spell next with his magnetic letters; Gabe heading right for his favorite dirt patch in the backyard; John laughing as he watches his brothers race through the kitchen from the back door to the front room and back again; all of us snuggling up in a blanket on the couch — I feel like I’ve done something right, as a mom, in trying to help them have the best growing-up possible. In fact, I still remember being so pleased when our pediatrician said that baby Thomas’ fussiness at home (as compared to his wonderful behavior outside of the house) meant that Thomas knew home was home, and was comfortable enough there to “let his hair down” and be himself.

An article in the October 2008 issue of “Parent&Child” noted that, during the first few months after birth, babies “typically become accustomed to the smell of things in the house” and the baby may “crinkle her nose if your dog is smelly, but even that odor can comfort her as she soon grasps that the dog is part of the family.” John’s four months old now, and knowing that he’s beginning to figure out the smells of home — and find comfort in those smells — pleases me, since the smells of my childhood are some of the most comforting things to me, even now.

But we all know that the people in a house are what really make it a home, and that’s the bigger piece of what I wanted for my children, when I imagined a happy home. My childhood home was a happy place for me because it was where my family was — my parents, my sisters and brothers. It was a place where I always felt like I fit in, and always would fit in, no matter how weird others might think me to be, no matter what mistakes I made. It was a lovely, safe, untroubled way to feel.

I can already see that, not only do my boys feel like our home is theirs, but they also know that our family is theirs — the family belongs to them, and they are an indispensable part of the family.

And I’m sure their confidence in their place in the world is one of the things that have helped them welcome their new brother so easily.

Though the boys never like it when they don’t have my full attention at every moment (and the newborn period has been particularly hard that way), they’ve never seemed hostile toward or discontented with baby John himself. Rather, they’ve let John fit in as another one of the brothers in every way. When Steve and the boys have their “boy time” while I’m making dinner, John is now included … and I often hear him squealing with delight and laughing out loud. Both Thomas and Gabe like to be sure John has his blanket at all times. When John’s fussy, Thomas will often tell me that John needs to nurse. He’s even got a “Dad nickname,” like the other boys: Steve calls Thomas “T-Bone,” he calls Gabe “G-Man,” and John is now “J-Dogg.” Without any effort on John’s part, he’s fit perfectly into a spot in the family that was clearly made just for him.

One of my favorite philosophers once said, “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” I think of that often, as I see my children so at home here, in our house and in our family. Because, even in the midst of the sibling arguments and the time-outs and the crankiness (both parent and child!) that are just part of family life, there is peace here, and joy. And peace and joy are both things I hope the boys bless those around them with, through their growing up and after they’ve left our home to make their own.

Kate Towne Sherwin is a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) living in Saratoga Springs with her husband, Steve, and sons Thomas (4), Gabriel (2), and John Dominic (4 months). She can

be reached at sksherwin@hotmail.com.